Friday, December 8, 2023

Cycling Horoscopes for the Week of November 20: It’s the Three Moon, Thanksgiving Edition!

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It’s a new week which means a new cycling horoscope. The sun is entering three moons, so get ready to party!


Forget everything I said last week about resting. We got a three moon situation and you need to get ready to not only party but to pursue accelerated success. Organize your outfits. Plan like there is no tomorrow and don’t worry about getting any sleep because you won’t! You got this Aries. I want to party with you! When are you free?


According to your moon situation, you are supposed to stand up for yourself this week. You have two options: You can refuse to help with Thanksgiving dinner preparation or clean up considering you do enough already? Or, you can take this message and kick things up a notch at Thanksgiving. Bring out the Fireball shots, insist on Karaoke (only classic rock) and engage with your cousin on political matters and be prepared to fight him in the backyard after.


Man, your basement wall art was bonkers! I figured it would be good, but not this good. Stunning and inspiring. Keeping with this theme, you are supposed to be brave this week. This should be easy for you, but Thanksgiving throws a curve-ball. I want you to invite that neighbor who stole your extra trash can and potentially dented your car over for dinner. He’s also the one who drinks Mountain Dew mixed with everclear on his front porch most mornings. Tell him you bought him some expensive cigars and put him in charge of cocktails! Your aunt from Florida will love him and they will most likely end up together. Sounds like a good party! What time are you serving dinner?

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Put down the secret Dutch training manual and lock up your bikes. This is no time for riding! You are like a Scandinavian DJ in Ibiza right now. Look at you! So. Much. Energy. Pace yourself however, music-man. The last thing you want to do is upset your partner with over-pouring too early. Remember what happened last year? I’m dancing right now just thinking about you.


You should push your limits this week. Your moon is asking for this. Here are some options: You could not make your grandmothers stuffing and instead fill the bird with clams and sausage and sage and tell everyone Martha Steward made you do it. They will be mad, but not at Martha! Or, you could finally play guitar for your entire family after dinner (you know you have all the amps ready to go) and you could really go deep with it. Almost like you are a rockstar inside the body of an insurance salesman. I’d to go to your concert. What time is it at?


I know you don’t want to leave your beach bar and fly to Ohio, but you have to, Virgi! It’s Thanksgiving. Bring rum. Show up. Yes, you will be really tan and happy and all the anxiety and reasons for leaving in the first place will be sitting up on that Thanksgiving table, but you must push through. If you need to leave occasionally to pretend you are talking to your cousins outside, that’s fine. But, I really want you in the center of the battle. Breath deep. Sip rum and remember you will be back at your beach bar, e-bike rental paradise on Saturday and you can sleep it all off. Toughen up. I’m visiting soon for that conch salad (with a discount).


Put down the walking app, put away your cycling clothes and stretch into that exotic number you wore to that Mardi Gras party! You are so mysterious! You know when you walk into a room and feel a bit uncomfortable? Forget that. Own the room. They all want to be like you. They need your energy and thankfully your moon is dishing it out like never before. I wish I could see you on Thanksgiving!  Can you send pictures? P.S.: Don’t wear that heavy mask you bought in Venice. It’s too much work and I want you to dance your face off.


No rules, Scorpio. True, this advice would be better around New Year’s or maybe a birthday and not a Turkey dinner at 3:00pm with people you’d normally avoid at all costs, however, the moon is the moon and we must listen to the vibrations. I want you to ride to your sister’s house on your bike dressed up like Chris Froome. Mimic his bike fit. I know it’s 90 miles and it’s cold, but since you aren’t following any rules, this should be no big deal. I’m watching you on Strava. Get after it!


You have to stop online gambling but not this week! Don’t just gamble online, convince the 10 people at Thanksgiving to go to a casino! I’ve already rented you a van/bus. It has disco lights and Jägermeister on tap. Take them all to the sports book and then convince them to play craps. You will win. They will love you and most importantly, this will finally allow you to buy that Boston Whaler! Have a blast!


Your family is wrong. This is the year to throw tradition to the wind and make chili dogs. You will get some resistance especially from the older crowd (they hate change) but stick with your plan and your life will be forever changed. It’s your house isn’t it? Serve what you want and what you want is a mountain of chili dogs. I have a lot of respect for you.


You don’t love holidays. I get it. I don’t either but I like the food! Remember, you create worlds, not just dinner. You dream things into existence and have the courage and strength to see them through. I’m crying right now and it’s because of you. Who else would have started a naked criterium series in Kuala Lumpur while on holiday? Only you. I know it didn’t go well and that you got arrested but details don’t matter. I wish I could go to dinner with you and have you and your moon give me more creative power. Can you FaceTime me during dinner?


I see you invited your former “friend” from South Carolina who you met in Sonoma at the 2007 Yoga Retreat to Thanksgiving?  Bold move. Tell everyone you reconnected through cycling and that you’ve always seen life like a parable and not necessarily as “real” or “logical.” Don’t worry, that one aunt who does the Civil War reenactments will understand you. She’s a soldier! Have fun!

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